hey guys Stefan here from
projectlifemastery.com today I'm very
excited to interview a good friend of
mine Yaya Bokar Yaya is a motivational
speaker he's a life coach he is a family
adviser and a youth mentor and I
actually don't yeah yeah I think for low
over a year now and we just got to know
each other on Facebook you know I don't
even know how I found you but I was
really inspired by what you're doing and
what you're talking about you've got a
successful YouTube channel where you
share a lot of powerful advice with
people and just how to live your best
life and man I'm just so stoked to uh to
talk to you today and ask you a bunch of
questions so welcome to the interview
dude thank you for having me man it's a
pleasure and honor bro mumble awesome so
dude tell me about just your story like
you have a pretty remarkable story doing
what you do motivational speaker
travelling around North America speaking
to students and everything do you want
to share just how you got into that ah
yeah where do I start
so I was planning on becoming a doctor
right so I went to college becoming a
doctor and and I realized a 15 credit
short of graduation I realized like my
heart wasn't in it so I just said
it I dropped out and and there was a
probably like a two-month to three-month
period I had no idea what I wanted to do
and at that time I was in in Iowa I went
to the University in Iowa and I moved to
New Jersey where my father was staying
at the time and my girlfriend at the
time was not my wife
they were staying there so I decided to
go back and I had a falling-out with my
father once I told him and it was just I
mean just bad really really bad and I
had no place to live and one of my
friends heard about my situation he
brought me into his home and they just
noticed that I was super depressed I was
confused uncertain about I was a type of
guy like a you know type 8 personality
where I had everything figured out in my
life I knew where I wanted to do I was I
was preparing to take the MCATs and the
DAT s
I just I had everything figured out and
all of a sudden boom my whole reality
was changed and so he suggested my one
of my friends he was like dude you
should speak to young people you should
share your story and I thought that was
a dumbest night
you ever heard so I was like yeah okay I
slept on it next day I just went on on
Google and typed and speaking to young
people and I found this this website
where they you know they teach people
how to make an impact on the income
speaking to young people and so I got
involved
I immediately invested in the program
and at that time I also invested in Tony
Robbins
coaching program so I got involved with
that about four years ago and this was
at a time where I had I had I literally
had seven dollars total in my bank and I
had I was I left I didn't even graduate
dude I left with $40,000 of debt and and
I just figured I was like you know I
have nothing to lose I got a job as a
waiter took all the money that I got
there reinvested it into both of those
programs for speaking for coaching and
within a year I starts traveling across
the country sharing my my story and my
message and it has evolved so yeah
that's yeah that's where I might now
that's awesome man is so inspiring thank
Y dude what made you want to make that
shift in your life in terms of like
you're going down this path to being a
doctor do you just realize that it
didn't feel right like it wasn't
congruent with what your purpose was or
like what made you make that shift
cool bro that's such a that's such a
profound question and the answer to that
is not as simple as I would like it to
be right right because so many of us you
know I you know the majority of us today
growing up in this generation we have
all this pressure right where you have
to figure out what you need to do you
know what your purpose is in life you
know and have all that figured out and
so in the process of the conditioning as
you're growing up you form this identity
of your beliefs your wants and your
desires yeah right and so you you think
that's who you are but when you start
becoming more aware of who you are and
you start peeling away the layers of
Lies and the fears that you've been
holding on to for so long you come to
the root of the onion you know the core
the core of it and all that's left it is
you and I think at that point in my life
I was developing a really powerful
relationship with myself I was becoming
more
with myself getting closer of myself
understanding you know who am i you know
what do I really want outside of my
family and everybody else's agenda you
know and that's kind of like when it hit
me it was like oh all I know is
that this is not for me anymore and it
came out of the blue it wasn't something
like you know oh this is what I want and
now I'm changing it because of that you
know all I knew is that something was
out of integrity in that moment so
acting I had to so yeah dude I
don't know if I answered your question
because I go on rant sometimes but let
me know if you in fact no that's
that's powerful I think you know one of
the reasons I ask I think a lot of you
know young people or anyone really
they're a little bit unclear you know
like they're pursuing this one path
because they think that's what they are
supposed to do that pressure from their
family their parents their peers you
know everyone else is going to
university or whatever it is and the
fact that you you know you're going down
that path as well and then you decided
go in this totally different direction
which was against you know your you know
your father wasn't happy with it I'm
sure other people as well it takes so
much courage to do that and I guess one
thing I admire so much in you man is you
know if any you guys watch his youtube
channel you know yeah you got the only
most courageous people I've seen because
you express herself so authentically
with so much vulnerability and I think
it started you know when you made that
decision to pursue your purpose and do
something differently so any advice for
people that are maybe you know in a
similar situation as you were a few
years ago that maybe they have this
pressure from others to become a doctor
or whatever it is but they know deep
down that's really not what they're
meant to do - yeah um oh yeah get to
know yourself more that's what I would
say you know my it's not like this
happened to me overnight right yeah
although it might sound like that once
you get to know me more for those of you
who visit my youtube channel and you get
to see me like I'm an open book I empty
out my pockets I got nothing to hide it
like you said which I appreciate but my
path my journey in self-discovery
started when I was four
fifteen years old you know and you know
I grew up in a very religious family I
grew up in Islamic culture at the time
and it's that path of seeking the truth
led me to where I am in so many
different areas you know and it was kind
of like a progression over time it was
like a slow slow process of peeling away
peeling away peeling away until I
reached the peak you know the top the
climax of it and that's kind of kind of
what hit me so for those of you who are
out there who are struggling maybe you
don't know who you are
maybe you feel pressured by the demands
and expectations of that being placed by
yourself your family the people who
claim to love you maybe your friends
whoever the case may be but there's
something about you just feels trapped
and stuck yeah when you're in that space
really give yourself the permission to
go deep go inward and allow yourself to
ask you know what's really showing up
from me why am I feeling like this I
know I know you know Stefan you and I
were familiar with twenty Robbins work
and he's very famous for helping people
change their state which is very very
resourceful and I love it when it when
it comes time for crisis right but there
is value in in my opinion this is my
belief of course take what works for out
what doesn't there is value in emotional
states like depression like confusion
and what what helps but the the reason
why there's value is because it's it's
giving you the space to go inward to get
to know yourself and when you go inward
and you start to examine and explore and
experience and express the deeper parts
of you that you never we're aware of
then you start living your truth more
authentically it's not like there's a
blueprint to it the blueprint well I
guess if there is a blueprint is love
yourself and know yourself and as you go
deeper into the darkness you embrace the
shadows that the areas that you don't
you know you don't openly express to
others or you don't accept you're afraid
to show once you start doing that
Nach
you become a shining example for
yourself and by expressing that people
automatically feel that and you become
magnetic and they feel like they had the
permission to do the to do so for
yourself your purpose your courage your
self-esteem your confidence your
motivation is a byproduct of that
specific process and you can't watch the
process you've got to be patient with
yourself no need to push the river yeah
it's awesome man um I can relate to this
too because when I was young I always my
dad we had a family business and my
brother my sister we all worked in the
family business and my dad's dream for
us was to eventually take over the
family business and so when you know
when I was a kid and everything I'd have
to go and work for my dad I hated it you
know I hated working you know weekend's
my summer breaks were all working and
you know once I started getting to like
19 20 years old I just knew that wasn't
really what I wanted and even though I
would have made a lot of money doing it
I wouldn't been happy and I wouldn't
have been congruent and I wouldn't have
been in integrity with myself to express
the real gifts that I have in this world
and so it was a difficult decision for
me to actually break away from that and
go down my own path and I think you know
as you expressed the courage of that is
powerful but my next question I know if
you already answered this or not but
just in terms of discovering your
purpose hmm you know you said how you
know get to know yourself more and
everything is there anything else that
people can do or anything that's helped
you to discover your purpose and also to
live that purpose wonderful question um
so for those of you who don't really
know me which would be probably most of
you my name in Arabic yah yah it's
actually France yeah yeah but Yaya is
translated in Arabic to to live to live
basically to live life so to speak and
when you know when I travel across the
country and I share my message I share
my message of the you know the obstacles
that have to overcome to get to where I
am I share my message of me reuniting
with my birth mother me marrying my
high-school sweetheart like I should
those kind of stories with them
there is a framework that I use to live
my life by and if you look at the word
if you look at the words love's inspire
forgive and power and you take the first
letters of those words you get LIF B
which spells life
so for me my mantra and everything I do
if there's a foundation it's to love is
to inspire to forgive and to empower and
I believe that the moment we start to
love ourselves that's the moment we love
others that's the moment we inspire
others that's the moment we forgive and
empower others to live the best life
possible and so so for those of you who
are out there who are confused about
trying to find your purpose use that
framework the Li Fe framework to live
your best life and obviously you can
change it but I'm just sharing what has
worked for me in the process and and and
also realize that you can't really find
your purpose I know this is kind of a
lot of people ask the question you know
how do I find my purpose you can't find
your purpose you you create your purpose
you give like somebody once asked me you
know Yaya what is the meaning of life
right I just told them straight up I was
like that there is no meaning to life
life is meaningless it's the meaning
that you give to life that makes it
meaningful you know which is that's
basically what I did even with my name
even with the acronym life I gave it
meaning so now I'm living instead of
thinking that life is happening to me
it's happening for me and I'm giving it
that that energy and so for those of you
who are out there and you feel like I'm
so confused that gap of confusion use it
to your advantage
leverage it be with it fall in love with
it get connected to it and as you do
that you start finding ways to create
more meaning for it because at the end
of the day I mean you're the master of
your life yeah you know I'm saying so if
you want to master it realize that it's
in your hands yeah you know and I think
a lot of people - they're they like
spend their whole life trying to find a
purpose and it just never shows up right
they just think
if something has to happen for them to
finally live with the purpose and I'm
off by the people you might just decide
on something it might your purpose can
evolve it can change right now if your
purpose is to love rain that's the
purpose for you right now and then it
can evolve into something greater or
more depending on the different stages
that you are but right to not have a
purpose and to be purposeless you know
it is horrible like I just take
something I think and you know this kind
of goes into one thing I want to talk
about as well and I know you've got a
youtube video on it also was I think a
lot of people they're a perfectionist
they're professional it's not just about
like the perfect purpose that their life
has to represent but their perfectionist
and almost everything in their life and
it stops them from living their life
fully and they beat themselves up so any
advice you can give around that yeah
actually us I'll speak to both the
perfectionist and the people pleasers
sure the route that it's a cycle it's a
Crazy eight it's a Crazy eight you got
the perfectionist on one side and you
got the people pleasers on the other and
actually we both have these these very
aggressive and passive personalities
about us and and they fluctuate
depending on the seasons of our life and
a developmental stages so the issue the
root of the need to please improve
yourself or to perfect yourself comes
from a feeling of a lack of worth you a
part of you doesn't feel worthy you know
and so you constantly have to try to
prove yourself prove yourself prove
yourself to other people so you can
finally be proud of what you have
accomplished or you can make those you
love proud by either being a martyr or
by being in achiever and I'm not saying
I'm not trying to beat around the bush
and say like oh you know being you know
sacrificing yourself for other people or
or trying to prove something is bad
that's not what I'm saying so don't
confuse that what I am saying is that
you don't have to prove your value you
know you're simply valuable because you
exist that's it
that's period point-blank and when you
when a person starts embracing that
wisdom and I know we're all human and we
sometimes forget when we start embracing
that wisdom
power is born confidence is born
motivation is born purpose is born
simply because we have this innate
belief that we're valuable because we
exist that's it we're worthy because we
exist and so for those of you out there
you know I'm struggling with that like
like every other human being like myself
as well you know it's crazy I don't I
don't know if you really relate to this
Stephon
sometimes a that I say is gold
right but as I'm saying it I'm like damn
I really need to be listening to myself
right now you know because it's
everything that I'm saying guys I'm
really saying to myself it's a dance
play with it be patient with yourself
you know when I say love yourself this
is this is another acronym for love if
you guys want to use this love for me
stands for this LOV be listening
overcomes virtually everything listening
overcomes virtually everything if you
can listen to the parts of you that
you've silenced that you shut up that
you've repressed that you've shamed and
you give them a space inside of you to
be seen and heard so they're not
invisible anymore
I can't tell you how much power there is
in that spot in the area of development
there's so much like so many of us we're
trying to look for the answer outside
when the truth is or everything every
single thing is inside of you yeah and
you're gonna have certain people like me
and you and other mentors and leaders
out there or who are inspiring other
people you're gonna have them to remind
you of what you already have inside of
you yeah that's it yeah you know so
listen dude I love that that's awesome
okay I never heard it that way before
this that's a good point thank you in
terms of loving yourself I don't have
done a lot of work on this for yourself
I know you you know on your YouTube
channel you authentically even share
addictions and things but you've
expressed to me that you realize it
wasn't the addiction but it was a lack
of loving yourself do you want to maybe
share a little bit about that and just
even like how you know what are the
things people can do to love themselves
more oh haha now we're talking about now
we get into the real that okay um
let's look at the word addiction for
just a moment right look at
a DD attention deficit disorder right
but also look at the word ad what are
you trying to add into your life because
you feel empty deep inside deep inside
there's a void now here's the difference
between addiction and fulfillment when
you're addicted you're trying to add
something to replace an emptiness inside
so you just you constantly ad ad ad and
nothing ever satisfies you no matter
what it is you're you're constantly on
the go you're never content with the
life that you have you're never grateful
for it you're always thinking about what
you don't have and so you're constantly
seeking outside of you fulfillment is
different fulfillment you're you're
filling yourself full of gratitude of
love of appreciation and this was the
missing key for me especially in an
environment the environment that I grew
up in you know I grew up for those you
know you don't know my story I was born
in Mecca Saudi Arabia which is a very
religious area very very religious in
Islam you know I came to United States
when I was five I never knew who my
birth mother mother was at the time and
at that time my father we got married to
the lady who became my stepmom who I've
never met so I literally left from Saudi
Arabia to United States and by myself on
a plane when I was five and then I met
this lady who's supposedly gonna be my
stepmom
yeah and so eat from the get-go I felt
like I had to be someone who I wasn't in
order to fit in and be accepted and you
know she was she was from Iraq I'm half
Thai and I'm half Syrian you know so
there are parts of me that I didn't I
didn't even know some my whole life I
grew up trying to please people and
trying to prove myself to people because
that was my survival instinct so if you
grew up in a culture or an environment
like this you got to remember this you
don't have fertile soil there's it makes
no sense to plant a seed in infertile
soil so you have to have the wherewithal
and the awareness to see like wait hold
on am i trying to create or find my
purpose or fall in love in infertile
soil ah ah that's not that's not gonna
make it from me that's not gonna do it
for me I need to pull myself out of it
and put it in fertile soil once you put
it in fertile soil this is the this is
the process where you can actually grow
from the seed in the darkness and
growing to the stem then go into the
leash and then blossom into the flower
and that takes time so in this process
there's that shift between addiction to
fulfillment and when you when you become
aware and you see the environment that
you're in and you like hold up both
those addictions they come from that
environment they come from a place of
lack there's no nutrition in
there there's no nutrition there's no
value in there so they can't absorb it
right so you need to be aware of that
and say okay hold on I need to create a
boundary and for me that boundary was
books for me that boundary was mentors
for me that boundary was moving out of
my environment even when I had a full
scholarship at Arizona State University
and I had nothing to pay I could have
graduated debt-free but I went to a
different state in East Bumblefuck in
Iowa where they're just corn cows no
offense to anybody from Iowa but I had
no friends I had no family but I I did
it because I was aware that I was in in
fertile soil and so for those of you who
are shifting whether you know it's
addiction and you're trying to shift its
fulfillment whether you're trying to
please people and you're trying to be
yourself or prove yourself to other than
trying to be yourself whatever the case
is from where you are to where you want
to go the process is a delicate one but
you need to leverage your space you need
to leverage your internal environment
you need to let and that's by mentorship
people who are inspire you who who see
the best in you your support system like
one of the things I'm extremely grateful
for are my best friends yeah my bet I
have I have my best friends and I have
my wife you know and these are people
that I've had since I was 11 no sorry
for over 11 years since I was 14 years
old I'm 26 now you know I'm saying so
it's like I've had them for so long and
they've helped me they they were the
people who pulled me out of that
environment to get me to where I am
today so yeah in short if you're going
from addiction to fulfillment be aware
of what you're trying to add into your
life because you feel empty and realize
that it all comes down to you not loving
yourself and when you truly do love
yourself you'll start seeing the
unfolding from the
fertile soil into the stem into the
leaves and into the blossom the pool you
are it's awesome man Wow powerful I'm
gonna ask you just if you mentioned as
well you know one thing I admire about
you also is you do have amazing
friendships and you know you openly
shared you know your friends how you
interact with them on your YouTube
channel on your Facebook you also have
an amazing relationship hoping with your
your no wife or how many years
it's almost no actually a little bit
over 11 years it's been a lot of years
in almost three months it's amazing so
any advice that you have for people just
on how to cultivate and just build those
and rental relationships you know
whether intimate or friendships oh dude
you know it is crazy one of the projects
that I'm working on I'm actually working
with my best friends and we're creating
we're writing a book right now and we're
giving it away for free because people
have watched the documentary of me
reuniting with my mom after being
separated for two decades along with my
best friends and my wife right and the
number one comment that I got on the
video they like it just keeps coming up
up up up
it's not like oh wow you found your mom
congratulations I mean that's there but
the number one you know questions we get
is like oh my god how do you find
friends like these you know how do you
create friends like this how do you find
like how do you get that I never I don't
have that and so we decided to write a
book called the Brotherhood manual a
simple guide to real friendships you
know and it should be released pretty
soon so for those of you who are
interested subscribe to my youtube
channel I'll be talking about it in the
future
but these guys are like my soul brothers
and one of the things that we do is
we're very all of us we have two common
things or maybe three self-awareness
that's that's all of us
regard we're very very different and
diverse from we got an african-american
we got an Israeli we got two Jordanians
we got a Syrian and I you know say so so
diverse from all over the world but we
were aware of who we are and we love
each other and respect each other
three things you know and those are like
the foundation those are the values that
are required in order for a relationship
to build and there are you know five
keys to really create great friendships
and I talked more about
in the book but um I don't want to like
give up too too much right there but for
those of you who are seeking that
realize this you cannot find or create a
relationship from a place of fear or
lacking a lot of people are trying to
find relationships because they feel
alone or unworthy why should anyone
accept you if you don't accept
yourselves why should anyone love you if
you don't love yourself it all begins
with you at the end of the day and it
ends with you at the end of the day so I
I this might sound egotistical and
selfish but it's not it's self-centered
meaning that my Center is my self I
understand that and because I'm aware of
that and that's been a fundamental piece
of my evolution I'm able to attract and
filter out the people who are great for
me and the people who might do more harm
than good you get I'm saying so and and
just just to be clear there are three
types of friends that I'm aware of just
add some more value here everybody can
relate to this imagine imagine your
emotions and your experiences like the
ocean right and in this this this ocean
is influenced by the weather and so
sometimes you might have smooth sailing
emotions like they're calm your dental
your sweet you want to serve whatever
the case would be but sometimes you
might have tsunamis tidal wave that
might be crazy you might have a
hurricane you like what the you
need to have the right people in your
life to support you when you have those
storms yeah so there are three
types of friends you should know about
number one you had the sailors the
sailors are the type of people who will
always stay on the boat they will never
venture out in the water they don't want
to get to know you your feelings your
emotions but there's type people that
they're surface level friends so you
might like acquaintances you meet them
at parties at social gatherings you're
like hi my name is Gaia cool my name is
Stefan okay nice nice and then move on
they want nothing to know about you
these are the people you got to watch
out because if you get too close to them
and they're not vulnerable and
transparent with you they will use you
to their advantage they'll abuse it to
your advantage and this is where most
people find themselves also you got
types of friends number two you got the
snorklers now the snorklers there they
are the people
who they're good friends these are what
most people consider as good friends
they want to know more about you they'll
go into the water and get to know your
emotions and your feelings and all that
good stuff but here's a problem although
they're there good intention if you
share something really really deep and
personal they want to listen to you and
they try to go deep deep deep into the
depth of your pain and what you're going
through but they don't have the
emotional equipment and capacity to get
there they'll either down though they'll
either drown because of the pressure or
they'll just try to go up as fast as
possible and try to get some air so when
you have these type of people you need
to shift and this is this is a lonely
place because a lot of people this is
like shifting from middle school to high
school than high school to college and
it's like you have like this it's your
conference our friends and all of a
sudden boils down to like maybe one
person if you're lucky yeah you know if
you have what I'm about to share with
you the third type of friend you're one
of the luckiest people in the world and
anybody could get that it just requires
work with it within yourself first these
three this third type are the deep-sea
divers the deep-sea divers are the
people who have done the work on
themselves so much so that they can go
to the depth to the darkness of your
ocean however deep it is no matter what
pressure it is they can withstand it
because they have done the emotional
work on themselves so they have the
capacity to do it this is where iron
sharpens iron the pressure creates
diamonds you know this is the process
where it's like boom and here's the
thing about them the difference between
snorkelling and deep-sea divers
snorklers they'll tell you what you want
to hear deep-sea divers they tell you
what you need to hear so they'll
challenge you and it's uncomfortable but
these are the people in your inner
circle that if you have them and I have
to say I'm very grateful that I have
more than one I have I have five you
know including my wife know these are
the people who can support you when
you're in the game and on this point on
the sidelines these are the people who
you would risk your life for and so if
you guys are interested in that I know
I'm just sharing so much here but
if you're interested in that subscribe
to my channel of the book will be out
and you guys can have it for free soon
dude
love that that's awesome I never never
looked at it that way now you know it's
the same thing in a relationship to an
intimate relationship and once you get
to that point yourself and you're
authentic and you're vulnerable and you
know the way that you are it allows you
to connect with those people and build
that depth of that relationship so
absolutely cannot be morally uhm so
we're gonna finish it off soon but you
know what what message do you have that
you want to lead people with you know
what would you say is something that you
feel is this a really important message
for other people to hear huh dude you've
already liked so much already but you
like to put on the spot
I like this that's good um okay all
right there will come a point in your
life when someone or something some
event might hurt you so bad that all you
want to do is just like give up and quit
you know maybe for you it's not a person
like me of me reuniting with my birth
mom or what have you
maybe it's a passion a dream or a goal
that you want to achieve whatever the
case may be for you you always have to
remember that anything is possible as
long as you have the right mindset the
right vision the right intention the
right heart and the right people by your
side anything is possible
for those of you who are listening you
might be like well yeah that's great
easier said than done but how does that
apply to my life you know
listen I think if the if you think about
it this way I know this is not sure but
I'm just gonna just share it just
because I share it
growing up there are four levels of
there are four types of communication
growing up we're taught three very well
reading writing and speaking no one has
taught us the fourth very well listening
I feel like if more people listening
this is this is the area that I struggle
with the most I'm still struggling guys
like but it's our imperfections that
make us human in our humanity that makes
us influential but once you start
embracing the the ability to listen to
yourself and listen to the subtleties of
your heart the better you become as a
listener the deeper and more authentic
your love becomes
remember love l.o.v.e listening
overcomes virtually everything and the
deeper you you fall in love with who you
are with the people around you and what
you love to do that's when everything is
birthed the thing the very thing that
you're looking for that you're seeking I
can't tell you this enough it's all
inside of you
it's everything's inside of you and so I
guess that would be my message for you
like although you might be inspired by
whoever it may be that's in your life
the reason why you feel inspired the
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